I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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