I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
