so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
