The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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