So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
