my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
