I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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