I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
