Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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