Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
