this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
