I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
