***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
