apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
