my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
