i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
