If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm passing your future prison.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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