just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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