We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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