Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
