The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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