I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
