Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
