He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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