I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
