I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
