So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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