never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Randomize
