hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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