ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
