Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
