I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
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As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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