Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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