I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish you could order shots online.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
