do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
