The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Randomize
