dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My feet surprised me
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