its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
