toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
