dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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