I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
