Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
