i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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