if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
