if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
