all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you didnt know i had herpes?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
