pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
