you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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