The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
