End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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