What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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