JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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