walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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